Why this transition is harder than it looks
In high school, a lot of structure is built in: a set schedule, teachers who notice when something is off, parents who see how their child is sleeping and eating. In college, much of that disappears at once. Students are expected to manage their time, sleep, meals, money, relationships and coursework on their own, often while living with strangers and far from their usual supports.
Most students adjust over the first semester. But the combination of independence, academic pressure and social change is also when anxiety, low mood and trouble with attention or organization can surface, or return, especially for students who were already managing these in high school.
Struggling in the first months of college is common, and it doesn’t mean your teen isn’t ready. It usually means the supports they relied on haven’t been replaced yet.
What often gets harder
- Time and organization: no one is tracking assignments or reminding them what’s due. Students with ADHD often feel this first.
- Sleep: irregular schedules and late nights affect mood, focus and anxiety more than most students expect.
- Loneliness: everyone seems to have found their people except them. This feeling is extremely common, and rarely talked about.
- Asking for help: many students have never had to email a professor, go to office hours, or seek out counseling on their own.
- Old patterns in a new setting: a teen who avoided hard situations at home may avoid classes, or stop leaving their room, when no one is there to notice.
Before they leave
The months before college are a good time to practice independence while you’re still close by.
- Hand over small responsibilities now: refilling prescriptions, scheduling their own appointments, managing a weekly budget, doing their own laundry.
- Talk through what support will look like: how often you’ll check in, and what they’d like from you when things are hard.
- Find the campus resources together: the counseling center, health services, academic support and the disability or accessibility services office. Knowing where to go ahead of time makes it much easier to go when it counts.
- Plan for ongoing care: if your teen is in therapy or takes medication, decide before they leave how that care will continue.
If your teen has a 504 Plan or IEP, it doesn’t follow them to college. To get accommodations, students generally need to contact their college’s disability services office themselves and provide documentation. It’s worth starting early.
Privacy changes, too
Once your child is in college, privacy laws generally mean the school won’t share grades, health information or counseling records with parents without the student’s written permission. Many families talk this through before the semester starts. Some students choose to sign releases so parents can be contacted in certain situations, while others prefer to keep that line clearly theirs. Either choice can work. The important thing is to decide together, ahead of time, rather than in a crisis.
After drop-off: how to stay connected without taking over
- Listen first. When your teen calls upset, they often want to be heard before they want solutions.
- Encourage them to solve problems themselves, with you as a sounding board: “Who could you talk to about that?” works better than stepping in.
- Expect ups and downs. A hard call on a Sunday night doesn’t always mean a hard week.
- Watch for patterns, not moments. One bad day is normal. A steady change over several weeks is worth paying attention to.
When to get more help
Consider reaching out to the college counseling center or a therapist if your teen:
- stops going to classes, or falls far behind
- seems persistently down, anxious or withdrawn for more than a couple of weeks
- has big changes in sleep, eating, or alcohol or substance use
- talks about feeling hopeless, or like a burden
If your teen talks about suicide or self-harm, act right away. They can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, from anywhere in the U.S., and campus safety or 911 can respond in an emergency.
Continuing therapy after high school
Some students do well starting fresh with their college’s counseling center. Others benefit from continuing with a therapist who already knows them, especially during the first year. Telehealth can make that possible, depending on where the college is located and the state licensing rules that apply. If your teen is in therapy now, it’s worth asking early what continuing care could look like once they leave.
Dr. Jennifer Kelly is a licensed clinical and school psychologist in Rye, New York. She completed a pre-doctoral fellowship at Harvard Medical School and a post-doctoral fellowship in DBT for adolescents at Brown, and earned her PsyD at Pace University. More about Dr. Kelly
This article is general education, not a substitute for individual evaluation or treatment.